That's the way it goes with celebrities.
BETHANY
What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just a quiet girl from the
suburbs who counsels pregnant teens.
RUFUS
You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction when He found out who He
was, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm sure
you'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to.
BETHANY
Why not get the pope or someone holy like that?
RUFUS
Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man for
the job. Only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink of
destruction. last time it was Jesus - this time it's you.
BETHANY
Why me?
RUFUS
Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands capable enough to carry
the burden. It all rides on you.
BFTRANY
(rubbing her temples)
Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. You know,
yesterday I wasn't sure God even existed. And now I'm upto my ass in
Christian Mythology.
RUFUS
God hates it when it's referred to as Mythology.
BFTHANY
Well then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets' what we should call it
instead.
(looking OC; concerned)
Now where did those two assholes go?
INT STRIP JOINT
It's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of men
paying way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights and
chock full of smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting the
music. The crowd is rather thin.
Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on...
The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, and
growing littler by the second.
Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nice
pile and stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. The
Dancer smiles and starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot and
performs his own little seductive dance ~th it. He stands at the edge of
the stage, ~'rating. The Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in her
G-string. She rubs his head and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair,
excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay.
BETHANY
(shouting above the music)
What are you doing?
JAY
Proving to this bastard that I ain't gay.
BETHANY
What?
RUFUS
Long story - forget it. But we should get moving. How can we get to New
Jersey?
BETHANY
I had a car.
She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn't
feel it.
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
We could go by train.
RUFUS
(looking OC)
Sounds cool.
BETHANY
There's a phone out there. I'll call for reservations.
Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side.
BETHANY
No, it's okay. I can handle it.
Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits.
The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself.
Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills.
ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blacks
watch the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them.
JAY
(banging on stage)
Sweet thing!
(Hashes another five)
Look what I found! Snoog!
The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by more
banging.
The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar bill
from his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of
hisposse smile and slap hands.
The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading toward
the Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob.
The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiously
loud throat~learing.
Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding.
The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The Gang
Leader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly.
The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leader
produces two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader
- produces three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash.
Jay hits Silent Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle,
gyrating and sizing up the best offer.
Jay then produces the creme'de Ia creme': three hundred dollar bills. He
sneers at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps her
legs around him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares at
the Gang Leader, a victorious smirk on his face.
The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat,
producing a gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The music
scratches to a halt and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The Gang
Leader points his piece at Jay, his posse backing him up.
GANG LEADER
You a smart ass, ain'tcha, white boy? Come in here and ruin my good time.
JAY
It's a free country. The bitch just came to the man with the most.
DANCER
Bitch?
JAY
No offense, baby.
GANG LEADER
The bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with the most - the man with the
most led in his piece. While you and tubby are leaving with the most led in
your dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin?
JAY
(to Dancer)
Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussyass, Nino Brown wanna-be
down.
DANCER
(to Gang Leader)
Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary.
GANG LEADER
Shut the fuck up and back away from the midget!
The Dancer moves to the side.
GANG LEADER
(to Jay)
Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe you were about to
intone some pleas for mercy. You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, I
didn't mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept my most humble
apology.
Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, but
Rufus holds her back An OC Jay laughs.
Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily.
JAY
You want an apology?
GANG LEADER
(cocks gun)
Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and ltll put a kill shot through that
thick fucking skull of your's. Otherwise we go slow and long in the pain
dispensation.
JAY
(beat; zips jacket closed)
Know what I'm doing?
GANG LEADER
No. What you doing?
JAY
I'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this up, I don't get your
filthy fucking brain guts all over my shirt. You know why?
GANG LEADER
Why?
JAY
Because you can't get shit stains out of flannel. What I'm saying is that
you got shit for brains.
The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment.
GANG LEADER
Well I appreciate you breaking that down for me, but I got it without the
explanation.
JAY
No. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's gonna he some nine's
firing in here, and when the bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass isgonna be
all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me and walk away?
Fuck that. And fuck you - you punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you a
monkey! Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap you, I'll bring a
coconut to your funeral and lay it on your grave; stick a straw through it
and stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll reach.
The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're so
frightened.
JAY
You think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit, if I don't fucking
plant you - watermelon - my muscle here will.
(thumbs at Silent Bob)
What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love chicks. So he's gotta be
with me for one reason: to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words
- he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's thinking about how he's
gonna take you and your bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets in
your bodies before they cool down. You know why? Because he likes to see
the hot steam coming off them when he sprays them down. Come to think of
it, I~m tired of talking to your dumb ass; you probably don't even
understand big words like 'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain it
to you.
(to Silent Bob)
Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches.
Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks at
him.
JAY
What are you waiting for?!
Silent Bob shrugs.
JAY
(flabbergasted)
YOU DON'T RAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob kind of nods
JAY
(shocked)
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN
TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'T
HAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly.
JAY
THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK I
WOULD'VE SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOU
DIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!?
(beat)
HUNHH?!?
Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles.
GANG LEADER
What was that about a coconut?
Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob.
JAY
No gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All this time and you got no
gun!
GANG LEADER
Oh boys! We have some unfinished business here.
JAY
(sheepishly)
Can we talk this over?
GANG LEADER
Tell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap you. Talk all you like.
Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. He
puts a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action,
smiling.
Jay fumes.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't believe you.
(to Gang Leader)
Do me a favor.
(points to Silent Bob)
Shoot this piece of shit first.
(to Silent Bob; disgusted)
No gun!
Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay and
Silent Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones and
begins scratching a record. A familiar tune begins.
The Gang watches, perplexed.
Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing.
SILENT BOB
HEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT!
AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!!
AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!!
WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW!
WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG!
LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER -
WHILE WE DO OUR THANG!
The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softens
and smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up.
JAY
NA , NA, NA! GON NA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
SILENT BOB
(as Fat Albert)
HEY! HEY! HEY!
JAY
NA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed.
RUFUS
I thought she looked familiar.
BETHANY
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