Who?
RUFUS
(he nods toward the stage)
Serendipity.
Bethany looks to the stage.
The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow.
INT. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY
Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby,
the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on
Barney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in
the middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are
adorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a
stupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of
the insipid creature.
Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They
chatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters,
taking his place at the head of the conference table.
WHITLAND
Good morning, shoppers.
(slaps a file on table)
Has anyone seen the over-night's?
An anticipatory hush fills the room.
WHITLAND
We creamed 'em.
A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles.
WHITLAND
(reading from file)
And last night was a rerun, which says to me that with the six months we
have to ready and promote the 'Very Nlooby Christmas' pay-per-view special,
we can produce history-making numbers. The record is held by that
shock-jock's New Year's thing, but I see no reason why our little cash cow
can't supercede those numbers and...
(stops and sniffs the air)
Do I smell onions?
Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is
carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on.
Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them.
WHITLAND
I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these gentlemen with?
The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has.
WHITLAND
(to Bartleby and Loki)
Excuse me.
Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head.
Loki lifts his head without looking up.
LOKI
(very distracted)
Hmm?
WHITLAND
May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
LOKI
(still preoccupied)
My friend just has a few words for you, and then we'll be on our way.
Heading to Jersey, you see. Now -by the decor, I assume I'm guessing
correctly that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby Productions
International?
WHITLAND
You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck you are and - again - what
the fuck you're doing in our conference room?
LOKI
(to Bartleby, still not looking up)
You may proceed, mon ami'.
BARTLEBY
I can't believe you.
(to Whitland)
I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend here has a penchant
toward the dramatic, so he's making me do this. Usually, I don't even
involve myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in awhile, so he
wants...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Just read 'em their rights already.
BARTLEBY
(sighs; circling the table)
Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff -a former kindergarten
teacher - in nineteen eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning
schedule on local network K-REL Bought by the Complex Corporation in
nineteen ninety one and broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time
Hour', it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and
spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a
library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed
'MoobyWorld'.
(beat)
Did I miss anything?
Whitland and company stare for a beat.
WHITLAND
You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to this?
BARTLEBY
(grimly)
You and your board are idolators.
Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands
beside Bartleby.
LOKI
(to Bartleby)
How could your forget the magazine?
Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the
sculpture.
LOKI
It's you.
(sets sculpture on table)
Do you know much about voo-doo? Fascinating practice, very close to
Satanism, but not really much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just an
arrangements of superstitions, the most well- known of which is the voo-doo
doll.
(sneezes; waits; continues)
A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods, and the
desired result is that the individual will feel the effects.
WHITLAND
(to nearest board member)
Call security - now.
Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord.
LOKI
All lines are currently down.
BARTLEBY
(to Whitland)
Again -. I apologize for my friend's...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Would you just get on with it?!
BARTLEBY
(miffed; to Whitland)
You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship from the Lord.
You've broken the first commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of
you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery
of morality.
(looks to Loki; Loki nods)
Like you - Mister Bernard.
(stands behind board member)
Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years, eight times - twice
with prostitutes. You even had sex with her best friend while she was at
her garden club meeting and you were supposed to be watching your kids.
LOKI
In the bed you and your wife share, no less.
The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves
on.
BARTLBY
And you, Mister Newman.
Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania'
and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the
room.
BARTLEBY
You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party, and then paid
a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, just
so you could break up with her - guilt free - when she sobbingly confessed
the next morning that she cheated on you. She killed herself three months
later. You sent flowers to her wake.
The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves
quickly around the table.
BARTLEBY
(not liking his job)
Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran put his mother in a
third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her house to
purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker flew to the Phillipines
on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister
Bloom okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he knew were unsafe
and toxic materials because it was less costly.
Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved.
BARTLEBY
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life and have
never misused your power here.
She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on.
BARTLEBY
But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this
assembled party. I can't even mention them aloud.
Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear.
Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland.
LOKI
You're her father, you sick fuck.
Whitland begins sobbing.
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
Can I go now?
LOKI
(cheerily rubbing his head)
Go on, you crazy kid.
Bartlebv exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others.
LOKI
With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a decent human being amongst
you. Do you know what makes a human being decent?
(beat)
Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything to fear
anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind
your false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in secrecy even from
one another. But not from God.
Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around.
LOKI
I forgot my little voo-doo doll.
(looks at Whitland)
Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...
Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure.
Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He
sweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a
shriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed.
Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed.
LOKI
I don't believe in voo-doo.
Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors
burst open and Loki storms back in.
LOKI
But I do believe in this.
Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a
flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with
her arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair.
LOKI
(smiling)
It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were bad men. You are a pure
soul.
She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens.
LOKI
But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed.
He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut.
OC BARTLEBY
(cautionary)
Loki!
Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece.
LOKI
(to woman)
Sorry. Force of habit.
He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens
her eyes and looks around.
INT STRIP JOINT - LATER
Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other
gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's.
GANG LEADER
(to Gang)
Watch this shit.
(to Jay)
Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth.
JAY
(swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth')
Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert.
The Gang laughs hysterically.
GANGSTER 1
Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit!
Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away.
RUFUS
(elated)
I forgot you were down here! How long now?
SERENDIPITY
Three years this August. What about you - is this another temporary
expulsion? You and your 'Christ was down' campaign?
BETHANY
What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought you came down here
specifically to help me?
SERENDIPITY
Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out constantly; at least once a
month, ethereal time. They always bring him back, but only after a few days
of peace and quiet - free from that black nationalist rhetoric.
RUFUS
(joking)
Artsy-fartsy bitch.
SERENDIPITY
Who you calling artsy-fartsy?
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes back in Jerusalem.
BETHANY
Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out of the bible because she's
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