Let me guess - you're another angel?
RUFUS
No, I'm a man - just like you and him.
(looks at Jay)
Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man. Been dead for nearly two
thousand years. Here.
(pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear)
JAY
No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj.
BETHANY
(unrollingit)
It's not a joint.
(looks at it)
I can't read this.
RUFUS
It's Sanskiit. It says "Rufus - see you in two years. Jesus." Freaked me
out because he basically told me when my number was up. Took the flavor out
of the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving. If we stay in one place
long enough, those things are liable to come back. What say we continue
this discussion over something to eat?
BETHANY
(snaps)
WAIT A SECOND!
(inhales deeply)
I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is where you, and those...
kids came from?!
RUFUS
They came from Hell. I came from Heaven.
(walking away)
Let's start walking.
JAY
Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere?
RUFUS
Back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere. Did you ever hear of
a fat apostle?
(exits)
Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability.
JAY
What's an apostle?
Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other.
EXT MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWN
A large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city. hasn't started up
yet. A pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby and
Loki jump out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering waved
thank-you's to the driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out the
article and looks at it. He looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby,
smiling. They head toward the front doors.
INT QUAlNT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWN
A ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move from
the seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's original
owners, and come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seated
on a couch. They look scared.
FIGURE
Hello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the phone guy... I'll leave
them a message... Bye.
The Figure hangs up the phone and rises.
FIGURE
You say the girl has already met the prophets?
The Stygian Triplets nod.
FIGURE
She grows closer to learning her true identity. If that happens, our plan
is jeopardized. I can't afford to go into the field - that might compromise
us further. The best course of action is to insure that our parcel is not
found. And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'm
left with no choice but to seek outside assistance in guarding our package.
(sighs)
I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan.
The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock.
EXT FAST FOOD JOINT - DAWN
Rufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food to
an outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob.
RUFUS
(off new clothes)
It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I tell you I'd find some
threads?
A car full of teens whip past them.
TEEN
(yelling from passing car)
GARBAGE PICKER!
RUFUS
(waves to them)
Thank you.
(to group)
What's that mean?
JAY
It means they saw you pull that shit out of that dumpster.
RUFUS
So it's a good thing, then.
(handing coat back to Silent Bob)
I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this back.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Lucky you.
RUFUS
(off food)
Damn, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's
milk. What do you call this shit?
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining some things to me.
RUFUS
Like what?
BETHANY
Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids that keep attacking me?
RUFUS
Nasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets. They're not really
related. When they were alive they were a trio of kids that snatched a
neighbor's toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see what it looked
like" I believe was their defense. They were killed in a car wreck on the
way to a detention center.
BETHANY
So they're dead too?
RUFUS
You'd be surprised how many dead people are just walking around - we're
stubborn bastards. Thing is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Which
means that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're willing to
summon demons.
BETHANY
Is it those two angels I'm supposed to stop?
RUFUS
Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this shit? We don't even know
who this guy is. For all you know, he's in with those fucks. They both
showed up at the same time.
BETHANY
I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How did you know where to find
us?
RUFUS
You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living.
Especially in the shower.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't wait to die.
BETHANY
And why are you watching me?
RUFUS
Because you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in that
book you all hold so much stock in.
JAY
Hustler?
RUFUS
The Bible.
BETHANY
What's your beef with the Bible?
RUFUS
I'm not in it.
JAY
Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching.
RUFUS
But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth Apostle.
BETHANY
I've been going to church my entire life and I've never heard of a
thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
RUFUS
See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles -white boys, I might add.
But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my
pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people are
basing a faith on.
BETHANY
What's that?
RUFUS
Jesus wasn't white; He was black.
Rufus bites into his sandwhich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and
then each other.
JAY
Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has blonde hair and blue
eyes.
RUFUS
(wiping hands)
That's what's particularly insulting. Between the time when He established
the faith and the church started to officially organize, the powers-that-be
decided that while the message of Christ was integral, the fact that He was
black was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric,
even though the brother was blacker than Jesse.
BETHANY
If that's true, then why'd He get written about while you were left out?
RUFUS
Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of hard to have the New
Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His
ethnicity. Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve apostles to
choose from.
JAY
I don't buy it.
RUFUS
That's what the good people of Antioch were saying when they stoned my ass.
BETHANY
You were martyred?
RUFUS
That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to
shit by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the world
and spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christian
following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about
Jesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He was
black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressed
the point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to
accessonze.
BETH ANY
Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting?
RUFUS
Because it's part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the good
shit: life eternal, a place in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're
getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak. And that - my friends - is
called Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept a black Savior.
(to Silent Bob)
You going to eat that hash brown?
BETHANY
So you went to Heaven?
RUFUS
Shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do. I gave up my sheep and
followed His ass around Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time,
did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch, because I was into His
message. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that He
was black. That's why I'm going to help you find stop those angels from
getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
BETHANY
How do you know about that?
RUFUS
Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium is
news. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great
tediumbreaker. Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you.
BETHANY
I find that hard to believe.
RUFUS
When you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.
JAY
(shocked)
You did that?
BETHANY
Yeah... but I never told anyone about it.
RUFUS
Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later. His name was...
BETHANY
...BryanJohnson.
RUFUS
Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in Heaven. Probably in
Hell, too.
Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go.
JAY
(intrigued)
Tell me something about me.
RUFUS
(preoccupied with the OC Bethany)
You masturbate more than anybody else on the planet.
JAY
Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
RUFUS
You think about guys when you do it.
Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked.
JAY
Not all the time!
Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddie-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus
joins her.
RUFUS
I'm sorty if I spooked you.
BETHANY
I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine exclusively.
RUFUS
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