LOKI
Where were we afraid He'd send us?
BARTLEBY
New Jersey.
LOKI
Now that, my friend. is irony.
BARTLEBY
(beat)
You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter. How can you even be sure
of what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. Remember when
eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a Hellworthy tresspass? Or when
people weren't even supposed to shop on Sundays?
LOKI
That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never change. And believe me
- I can spot a commandment breaker a mile away.
BARTLEBY
Sure.
LOKI
You don't believe me?
(looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple)
There. There's one.
BARTLEBY
(off couple)
So what? They're kissing.
LOKI
Adultery.
BARTLEBY
That's a stretch. How do you know they're not dating?
LOKI
You'd know better than me - let's hear it.
BARTLEBY
Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up on the job you really are.
LOKI
A test?
BARTLEBY
Of sorts. So what's your proof?
LOKI
He's wearing a wedding band.
BARTLEBY
So? Maybe that's his wife.
LOKI
No married man kisses his wife like that. You get married and the passion
dies, man. Don't you ever watch talk shows?
BARTLEBY
What are you talking about?
LOKI
A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the object of his desire is
won, there's no need to expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied
with the spoils of victory, which he then decides isn't so victorious
because he's saddled with a life-mate.
BARTLEBY
Very romantic sentiment.
LOKI
That's the problem - romance. You think about it :back in the old days,
nobody got married out of quote, unquote, love. People married for
property', dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself through
offspring. When did all this love stuff start? What the hell happened to
the status quo?
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors.
LOKI
Lionel Richie's old group?
BARTLEBY
No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were wandering minstrels and
dramatists that sang melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love.
LOKI
Sounds like the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their influence altered the
balance in a significant fashion. Until them, people got married because
they had to. After them, people started 'falling in love'. Romantic
courtships became the norm. What started out as simple entertainment made
such a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way society operates.
LOKI
That's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the
'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one day
they're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and start
looking for Shermer, Illinois.
BARTLEBY
Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb.
(off couple)
So is it adultery or not?
LOKI
(thinks; to couple)
Excuse me.
The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki.
LOKI
Are you married?
MAN
(puzzled)
Why?
LOKI
Just curious.
MAN
(holds up ring finger)
What do you think?
The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a
"Satisfled?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder.
MAN
(breaks kiss; pissed)
What?!
LOKI
To her?
MAN
What?
LOKI
Are you married to her?
MAN
Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no! Why?!
Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man
in the head. Screaming ensues.
EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a
beat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone.
BARTLEBY
You're such an asshole.
LOKI
Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
Troubadors.
EXT ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN
Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various
wrenches. Bethany steams off to the side.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well,
maybe you, but definitely not me.
(beat)
Let me know how she is.
BETHANY
(turns on him)
Nobody is fucking me! You got that?!
JAY
At least not in this car.
BETHANY
(sighs)
I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't know what I was thinking.
But being that I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is where
you two get off.
JAY
You're breaking up with us?
BETHANY
Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever it is vou're looking for.
Sorry for the inconvenience. Good bye.
Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking
people's hearts like that! We fell in love with you! Guys like us don't
just fall out of the sky, you know!
On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky. landing between the two
parties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and
ashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and
rolls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as
Silent Bob joins him.
JAY
(yelling up)
A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from the sky, you know?!
(beat; to Silent Bob)
Was worth a try.
Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest.
BETHANY
No heartbeat.
JAY
Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'? Did you ever see that
flick?
BETHANY
(starts CPR'ing him)
I think there would have been more of a mess if he fell from that high.
MAN
Not necessarily.
Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face.
JAY
KILL IT!! KILL IT!!
MAN
That sounds familiar.
BETHANY
Jesus, are you okay?
MAN
Rufus. And yes, I'm fine.
JAY
He's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!!
RUFUS
(getting up with Bethany's help)
What happened to your car? You clock ninety in first gear or something?
JAY
Mind your own fucking business!
RUFUS
(to Jay)
Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not easy and it ga\e me a fucking
migraine. Now if you don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off.
JAY
(hiding behind Silent Bob)
I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain!
BETHANY
I think he was aiming a bit further south.
(to Rufus)
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus, is it?
RUFUS
Rufus it is, Miss.
(to Silent Bob)
Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your coat 'till I can find my
own threads?
Jay looks at Silent Bob.
JAY
Dude, he fell out of thin air!
Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs.
JAY
Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor!
RUFUS
(to Silent Bob)
I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother.
Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits.
BETHANY
Where exactly did you fall from?
RUFUS
Some might say grace.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Dude, he's talking about your mom.
Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there.
Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles
slightly.
OC BETHANY
You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this, but somehow you falling
out of the sky seems to go hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've
been deaiing with.
OC RUFUS
Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet.
Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out
at him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick.
The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY
Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side.
Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He
rolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it.
Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up
hard, into the Triplet's forhead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side
and plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC.
The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips
downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it,
disappearing.
Jay and Silent Bob look at eachother, blink, and embrace passionately.
The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in
lancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself,
grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an
arch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it
seals shut.
Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock.
JAY
Alright - what's with you, lady?! That's the second time you got attacked
by the fucking Mighty Ducks!
RUFUS
(wiping off hands)
Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here just in time.
BETHANY
How can you be so composed? We were almost killed.
RUFUS
Death is a worry of the living. The dead only worry about decay and
necrophiliacs.
JAY
See! I told you he was the undead!
RU FUS
Not the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me the secret to resurrection
once when we were at a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it.
BETHANY
(incredulous)
Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ?
RUFUS
Knew him? I saw him naked.
BETHANY
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