Сценарий фильма "Догма"
You've gotta be kidding me. (thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait! She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively. BETHANY Sorry. (beat) Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this... (inhales deeply) Would you... like to have a drink with me? Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm. JAY See?! I told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! Thank you! (looking skyward) Thank you, God! INT SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT Various guns are laid out atop a glass case. OC SALESMAN Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but one look at it and nobody - I mean nobody - is going to fuck with you. Try it on. Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him. LOKI It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, I'll say that much. BARTLEBY It's the weapon of choice these days. LOKI It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked intimidating. How can I strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this? SALESMAN Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante, right? Like Batman or something. LOKI Batman never uses guns. (off gun) I don't know. It feels impersonal. BARTLEBY Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste like Sodom and Gommorah. Now that was something. LOKI Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there and read. I had to do all the work. BARTLEBY What work? You lit a few fires. LOKI I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference. BARTLEBY Sure. LOKI Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. (to Salesman) I'll take this one. SALESMAN Five seventy five to walk with it right now. Loki starts sifting through his wallet. BARTLEBY Soccer? INT DINER - NIGHT An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the bread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops chewing. Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and nods. All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English muffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a minute. BETHANY Are you both from around here? JAY I'm hard as hell. BETHANY Do you live in the city? JAY Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you going to do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. BETHANY You're a man of principle. Where do you come from? JAY We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real small town. We practically knew everybody. BETHANY What brought you to McHenry? JAY Hollywood. BETHANY (beat) Hollywood? JAY Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. And one day this fuck wants to rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have anyplace to watch it. So we went to the mall and popped it into a VCR at Macy's and sat on the floor and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen Candles'. Did you ever see it? BETHANY Yes. JAY So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club', and then 'Weird Science' where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and they don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then we got thrown out of Macy's when we watched 'Pretty in Pink', because of this bitch. (points to Silent Bob) BETHANY (to Silent Bob) What'd you do? JAY You know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets together with her dream guy at the prom? (Bethany nods) Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts of loud and shit. And the manager's like "Get the hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you bald cocksucker! I'll kick your lard.. BETHANY (speeding him along) So what exactly brought you to Illinois? JAY Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit! BETHANY And now you live here? JAY Fuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a stupid accent so you don't know what they're saying, and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talking about taking off. Until we met you, that is. (kisses her hand) BETHANY (retracts her hand) Right. So how much longer are you staying here? JAY Until you're ready to skip out and make with the sex. BETHANY No. How long are you staying in McHenry? JAY We're leaving tomorrow. BETHANY Where are you going next? JAY (to Silent Bob) Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions. (to Bethany) Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like five years now. It's about time for us to retire or something. Enjoy our salad years. No more adventures. BETHANY I see. (sips her coffee) JAY Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass? BETHANY I didn't ask you out for sex. JAY I'll take head. BETHANY I don't know why, but... (composes herself) ...I want to go with you. JAY What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? (shrugs to Silent Bob) Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent. BETHANY No, I want to go with you to New Jersey. JAY Really? You're the only chick I ever met that wanted to go to Jersey. Most chicks try to get out. BETHANY When can we leave? JAY Wait a second! What is this shit? Are we going fuck or not? BETHANY You're going to lead me somewhere. JAY Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am half the time. If we're not going to fuck then what the hell did you ask me out for? BETHANY Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed to go. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot. JAY What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~.. (to Silent Bob) Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex? (to Bethany) ...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, and you don't even know where it is? BETHANY (beat) Do you believe in God? JAY (horrified) Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! (to Silent Bob, getting up) Let's go... BETHANY (grabbing his sleeve) No. wait... JAY (pulling back) I'll scream rape. BETHANY I can pay you. JAY (quickly sitting back down) Pay? BETHANY For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along and see where it leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all expenses. JAY (thinks; to Silent Bob) I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar. (to Bethany) What about sex? BETHANY No sex. JAY Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would you fuck us then? BETHANY In that highly unlikely situation? (beat) Yeah, sure. JAY Yeah? You slut. Noonch. (to Silent Bob) What do you think? Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up. JAY Alright. But I'll drive. EXT MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, reving awfully loudly. INT BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT The speedometer reads ninety five. Jay drives, eyes glued to the road. happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable and dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races. BETHANY (yelling over engine noise) What gear are you in? JAY (not looking back) Gear? EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open and smoke billows out. JAY (defensively) Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever drove before! Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head. JAY Chicks. Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on the engine as a cross~ountry bus races by. INT BUS - NIGHT Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at the gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them. BARTLEBY We have to pass through three more states to get to New Jersey: Indianna, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. LOKI With a very important stop in Cleveland. BARTLEBY Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like a bad movie. LOKI Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me, airight. The last time you bugged me about my job, you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin. (looks out window) All this time we've been down here, why didn't we ever leave the Cheese? BARTLEBY He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse punishment if we disobeyed him again. |
