Сценарий фильма "Догма"
Bethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC t.v. The theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. She sips some milk from a glass and has some more cake. INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Bethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking floor board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow. She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat. Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethany leaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can see an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze. VOICE (powerful; booming) BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICEOF THE ONE TRUE GOD! The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of the room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister, swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stops squirting and turns on her bedside lamp. A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to the floor, hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked. METATRON (between coughs) Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the whole can?! Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively. BETHANY WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?! METATRON (slowly rising to it's feet) I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one who's pissed. That's rich! BETHANY (reaching for phone, still holding bat) I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering, attempted arson... they're going to lock you up for life...! M ETATRON (wiping off clothes) No dial tone. BETHANY (ear to phone) You cut the phone lines... (even more offensive with bat) Get the fuck out of here, now! METATRON Or you'll what - hit me with that fish? The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks. METATRON Now just sit down on the bed and shut up! BETHANY Oh God - you're going to rape me... METATRON I'm not going to rape you. (to itself; off clothes) Look at my suit...! BETHANY Take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me... METATRON Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. (unzips pants and pulls them off) Angels are ill-equipped. Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There is nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth and anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. METATRON See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. (rings out pants) You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think everyone's just waiting to rape you. BETHANY Wh..what are you? METATRON I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid. (pulls pants back on) Go get me a towel, will you? Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holds it out to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off. METATRON (taking off jacket) Stand back. Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it's back, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall. METATRON (tosses towel away) Like I was saying - I am the Metatron. Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looks insulted. METATRON Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell? Bethany remains silent and wideyed. Metatron gets testy. METATRON You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right? (beat) I am a seraphim. (beat) The highest choir of angels? (beat) You do know what an angel is, don't you? Bethany slowly nods. METATRON Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves. BET HANY (beat) Why doesn't God speak for himself? METATRON Ah. So glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that - human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam's before we figured that out. BETHANY Are you going to kill me? METATRON I could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately I can't. You're called. BETH ANY (beat) Called how? How called? METATRON All that from two words. Color this angel impressed. BETHANY (beat) How do I know you're an angel? METATRON Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You people kill me. Fine. You want more proof? How about a tequila? (snaps fingers) INT MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT Bethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at her pajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over. BETHANY Where the hell are we?! METATRON The only place one can go for good tequila. (to Waiter) Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass. WAITER Si. The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as he goes. METATRON Gracias, senor. BETHANY We're in Mexico?! METATRON Actually, we're in the Chilli's down the street from your house, but it was still an impressive trick (lights smoke) You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our profile low. BETHANY I suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud that this is the weirdest dream I've ever had. METATRON Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have them insist you're a dream? If I had an ego, it'd be bruised. BETHANY What do you want with me? METATRON I'm to charge you with a holy crusade. (pause) You do know what a crusade is, don't you? BETHANY (sarcastically) Uh, yeah. METATRON Don't give me that. Last time I charged someone with a crusade they had to look the word up. BETHANY Why am I supposed to go on a crusade? METATRON Your's is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately. The Waiter arrives with their drinks. METATRON Oh - Gracias! (he leaves; off the tequila) One of the only things your people have mastered since you crawled from the primordial ooze. (sips) BETHANY I work in an abortion clinic. METATRON (spits tequila into empty glass) Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to part an ocean. All you have to do is go to New Jersey. BETH ANY New ]ersey. METATRON Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church on a very important day. Agreed? BETHANY That doesn't sound like a crusade. METATRON Aside from the fine print, that's it. BETHANY What's the fine print? METATRON (mumbles into glass) stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila. (sips) BETHANY Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. METATRON Damn, this is good tequila? BETHANY The first part. METATRON (spits into empty glass) Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them. BETHANY Clarify that. METATRON That's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. No leaps of faith whatsoever. Alright -vou want the whole secret origin? Here goes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and Gommorah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer. BETHANY Why? METATRON Because he listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of Bartleby. BETHANY Grigori? METATRON One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess what they do? BETHANY So they're like Guardian angels? METATRON Exactly like that, but different. So one day, Loki's wiping out all the first born of Egypt... BETHANY The Tenth Plague. METATRON See? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankiy; mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenly theology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted? (Bethany nods) So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention the fact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one - one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits: throws down his fiery sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us. because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting. BETHANY Sounds reasonable. METATRON Maybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature. BETHANY I mean about the angel of Death's resignation. |
